How My Life Changed When My Mother Got Cancer
For many years, I lived for WORK. No pain, no gain. Life is a struggle… until my mother got sick. When I was still in my late 20s, and she was in her 50s, the doctor diagnosed her with two kinds of cancer, both with a dim prognosis. So, the notion that ‘Life is short’ became very real to her.
She was a very creative, active person, but she lived to work. Perhaps being from an upper-class, academic family didn’t help. She valued research, order, and discipline over fun, playfulness, and humor. For example, fretting if there were wrinkles in the tablecloth or if the herb jars were no longer in alphabetical order. When I was 10 years old, we were around the dinner table, so I repeated something I’d heard at school:
“Mom, why don’t cannibals like to eat clowns?
“I don’t know, dear, why?”
“Because they taste funny.”
“That doesn’t make any sense, dear. Clowns don’t normally frequent the jungles of Africa where cannibals can be found. Just be quiet and eat your beans.”
I grew up following in her footsteps, becoming serious, goal-oriented, academic, and diligent. I worried most of the time about all my ambitious goals. After 7 years of post-secondary education, with three part-time jobs, I started my own business, working seven days a week. That all changed when she got sick.
The irony was that once she got the prognosis, her entire personality changed. She started saying, “Let’s have fun!” I didn’t know what fun meant to her, but I soon found out. It started with writing stories, wearing more colorful clothes like an Indian sari around the house, and putting flowers in her hair. Then, onto interpretive dance, singing, painting — not caring what people thought anymore.
She loved being with people who made her laugh. And, I’d never seen my mother laugh — you know the big, hearty belly kind of laugh — until she was very ill. She just let it all go. She didn’t care about the tablecloth wrinkles anymore. Her only thought was, “I just want to LIVE as best I can right now!”
During her illness, she warned me not to go down the same road — being overly serious, worried, frustrated, and pushing at the expense of everything else. I remember her saying, “You don’t know when your last day will be. For me, I know it’s coming soon. But you don’t know — maybe TODAY is the day. None of us truly know. Do you want to spend it rushing around trying to fit in one more thing until you feel exhausted? I lived my whole life like that and what did it get me? Will anyone remember me at my funeral for all the things I got done on my task list? I think not.”
She was now living the way she wished she lived her whole life. One of her greatest gifts to me was a chance to start young instead of waiting until the end like she did. So I made that promise to my mother on her deathbed, that I would lighten up and love the moments. She died a few months after that conversation. Now, whenever I think of her, she is smiling and laughing like she was at the end. However, when I look at old photos, she is rarely smiling. But I can remember the person that she became at the end of her life.
I no longer believe that laughing and playing is a waste of time. At first, I had fun to rebel against my ‘inner tyrant’ for making me work so hard all week, but even in my enjoyment, I had an underlying guilt. I had to use substances to even get myself to relax. Now I don’t need or want any of that. I marry work with play and that seems to improve everything… my health, energy, productivity and relationships. No more guilt, just a recognition that’s how life was meant to be lived in the first place
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If you like this kind of topic, check out my book The Power of Laughter: Managing Change with a Sense of Humor — available in paperback, Kindle or PDF.
